Quality not Quantity

Well, what an exciting few weeks. For starters, the holidays were fantastic, got to see lots and lots of my family, which I always enjoy. Scott's parents also returned from England, but with my crazy schedule I just barely saw them this week (they have been home for two- it took me two weeks to see my in-laws!)

Scott and I spent the night in Salt Lake together last night. Since we only get to see each other a few days a week, we have decided to make every moment count. It has actually been really great for our relationship, we really appreciate each other more. All of our predecessors (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) are worried that we aren't seeing enough of each other, and his parents even asked us tonight, "Do you two even like each other?" and we just laugh, because it really is a fantastic set-up. Our new motto is "quality, not quantity."

I could come home every day, sure the commute would kill me, but honestly if I did it wouldn't be my tiredness that would keep me from Scott, it is simply that he has so much to worry about in his own life right now getting his degree and working his butt off to be a competitive grad school applicant. I am so proud of him, and wouldn't change that, and so, whether I stayed in Salt Lake or came home, he would be working on homework most nights, and we wouldn't really be spending time together, I would be sitting on my butt watching TV, while he sits on his butt at the computer. Instead, we have opted for our current situation. Scott will get all of his work done on nights I am not home, so that we can really spend time together when I am, not just physically in the same room while mentally on separate planets. We have really come to appreciate each other more, and our relationship has become a lot better because of this.

So, last night we stayed at the Peery Hotel in downtown SLC, this is where we had our honeymoon, and it was so nostalgic and fun. We just relaxed, ate some good food, saw a movie and reconnected. We had so much fun we are going to try to make it a monthly ritual. Because I am making so much more money through the "commuting" and "not seeing Scott everyday" sacrifices, we feel that this is completely justified, and do not feel guilty at all about the splurge- we deserve it. I am looking forward to next month, should be a good time.

So for everyone who is worried that my husband and I don't see each other enough, you can stop. We have more deep and personal moments this way than we would ever have if we saw each other more. We get to have that giddy dating again feeling of seeing each other, have something to look forward to, and I get an awesome job to boot. Life couldn't be better, we are loving every minute.

I feel like a lame butt because I never have pictures, I am just not good at that sort of thing, but I will make it my new years resolution to take more pictures!

I just want to say a special thank you to all of my friends, present and past- I have been so blessed in my life to be surrounded by such outstanding individuals, and while I feel like I no longer have time for anything or anyone, and will stink at keeping in touch, which I was already the worlds worst at, I want you all to know that I think of you daily, and keep you in my prayers. I wish that I had all the time in the world to kindle these wonderful relationships, but my new lifestyle has really put things into perspective, and right now the most important thing I need to do is focus on my husband. I love you all, but more than the majority of my minimal free time goes to him, and I hope that you can understand that this isn't because I don't love you, I just love him more.

I hope you are all doing well, and if I don't post again anytime soon, which is very likely, I hope you all have a very merry Christmas.

Happy

Well, the first week of my job went well. Trying really hard to just learn all that I can, coming in as someone with little to no knowledge of the inner and outer working of insurance, but I feel that I am getting the general hang out what they throw my way.

All of my co-workers are very helpful and friendly, and I am really enjoying my team. We get an hour lunch and it is tradition to play cards, apparently, and I am super cool with that. My coworkers threw a pizza party for me my first day, and they all signed a card that was waiting at my desk- super nice people.

The benefits are out of this world- I have a 401k, pension plan, retirement bonus, christmas bonus, full health plan (nothing deducted from my salary, just a cafeteria plan on top of my salary), the standard vacation-sick-personal days, etc. I love having a real, big girl job!

The commute is a bit long, but so far I have listed to two very great stories, and I did come home midweek, so all and all it wasn't so bad. The worst part is coming home to a house that, in my opinion, was not at all what I want my in-laws to come home to on Thursday. I leave the house spotless on Sunday night, and it is a boy's version of clean by Wednesday. Scott really does try his best to keep things clean, but it is big job for one person to handle- I should know, it has been driving me nuts!

Rod and Gaye get back from England on Thursday, so Scott and I have begun our preparations to move out- it is going to take a few weeks still, but the renovation has begun! We went and picked out our paint colors on Saturday, and painted the wood paneling "whisper grey." I also painted some older pieces of furniture we found upstairs in this color- one side table and a dresser. I removed all the knobs from the drawers and am going to buy some wallpaper to cover them with and some knew knobs- they are doing to turn out super cute, I am so excited.

The other two walls of the room were coated with wallpaper- we didn't realize that this would mean five layers of wallpaper with various consistencies of glue and sticky matter inbetween....all put on sometime in the last 60 years. Fun. It has been a monsterous pain in the butt, but we have removed 80% of the stuff, so we feel pretty good.

Rod says he will help Scott remove the rest, and then we are going to have to get some kind of plaster paint to level out the wall, and then paint. After that it is laying the new carpet (naturally getting rid of the hideous pink shag) and then moving in. We are looking for a new mattress, and I am going to make a new headboard for us.

Pretty much I love this room- it is my big DIY project and I think it is so much fun, it is going to take about a month to finish, but everything is pretty much going to have our personal touch. I will, of course, take pictures- I can't wait. Going to do a bunch of sewing- making pillows, a throw and new curtains. Living with my grandparents three days out of the week makes that very nice- I can glean a lot from their sewing wisdom!

Speaking of which- I love my grandparents. They have been so kind to open up their homes to me, and I really feel welcome. It is fun getting to see them, and I think they like having me around. They have been very hospitable, making me dinners, making room for me, and just making this a really easy transition. It is hard commuting, but it is nice only having to do it twice a week.

Things are good- Scott and I are very happy- we will be happier when we have our own space again, particularly one so tailored to our tastes, and I can't wait to see the final product- it is going to be fantastic!

What can she possibly have to say?

I am at a loss for words. Life is just comfortable, nothing too crazy going on, and most of the time I think to myself, is there anything I could say that would really be interesting? That and my lack of photographs make for one very dull blog. I am not having babies, I am not off on some new adventure in a different state or country, and I am not the kind of person who has random unplanned adventures on a regular basis. I am practical, predictable and all around normal.

So, here are the few things I can tell you

-Starting my new job tomorrow, going to be commuting two times a week. I am going to be staying in SLC on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights, and coming home Wednesday and the weekend.

-My work is right next to IKEA, and with the way I love that store I am going to really rock out our new little space in Scott's grandfathers house. We are going to move into his home in a couple weeks, occupying two of the rooms in the vacated upstairs region of the house. It needs serious tlc, so we are starting our renovating next saturday. We are going to remove the wallpaper, paint the walls, windows, etc., get new carpet in the bedroom (replacing the seriously outdated pink shag carpet) and then I am going to be doing lots of interior decorating. I am going to make my own headboard, pillows and window coverings, and maybe make a few more crafty things to decorate with. Getting pretty darn excited about it too.

-Not much else to say, just planning on living out of my car half the week (well, sleeping at my grandparent's houses) and I have food, clothing and overnight stuff in my trunk, all organized in bins, very neatly. Also arming myself with books on cd for the drive, my first commuting pick: The Penderwicks on Gardham Street. My good friend Mandy loved these books, and I trust her literary judgement, so heres to enjoying my drives!

Glad the holidays are coming up, not much on my wishlist, so far I want a bento box lunch set, a CHI hair straightener and a new Northface jacket. I know, so exciting...maybe I need to throw in a must have toy for the season, or a gift card to IKEA.....that would rock.

CHICKEN- YUCK

So as some of you may know, over the years I have developed a pretty healthy dislike of chicken. It has nothing to do with the taste, and everything to do with running into weird stuff while you are eating it. There is nothing more disgusting than biting into a piece of hard, unchewable chicken parts.

I never thought that this particular quirk of mine would actually get me fired from my job, but it did- crazy I know. Apparently me hating chicken was too much of a hazard for the Avalon Hills facility, and so I took my bow and left. Am I a bit upset? Absolutely, I keep thinking to myself- that was messed up. Will I get over it? Half way there. Although, I do need to brag for a minute on how I have definitely been a very big person through the entire situation.

I was very graceful when my boss told me I had to leave, I didn't even back talk, I just took it, told her if that is what she thought was best for the patients then I would do what I had to in order to ensure their full recovery. When the girls asked me why I had to leave (and let me tell you several of them were very sad, it was hard to leave them, I had really started bonding with them) I just told them that my chicken dislike was too hard for Avalon to accomodate, and that it was in their best interest that I no longer stay on as staff. I assured them it was not a big deal, it had nothing to do with them, and I would miss them very much.

In reality, when I get home and am not at Avalon? I think that I was treated extremely unfairly seeing as I ate the chicken everytime they served it. I hated it but I manned up and ate the stuff. I made a request a few times with individual chefs to substitute something when I knew I was really going to have a hard time eating the stuff, but whatever. Also, my boss said that my last week here I wouldn't have to eat chicken at all, that the culinary staff would provide substitutes- guess who ate chicken twice, and never got a single substitute. I know I know, I can't blame the culinary staff, but really I just feel Avalon really treated me unfairly.

Okay enough complaining and on to the silver lining. The day before I got fired I got a call from an insurance company I put an application into back in the Spring. If I hadn't of gotten fired, I never would have called them for the interview. The job could be fantastic, great salary and absolutely amazing benefits. I feel really good about the interview, still waiting to hear back for sure about whether I have the job, but I feel optomistic about it. I will be making almost three times what I was making at Avalon, so financially it will put us in a really great position, and I qualify for outstanding benefits after just a month of working.

Can I complain and moan about my situation? Yes. But will it last forever? No, I think I move on pretty quickly.

Making the cut and keeping it all in perspective

So, do you all ever just feel sometimes that no matter what you do you aren't ever going to make the cut with some people? I have this compulsive need to be liked, we all do, but there are times when I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how nice I am, I just can't win people over, and it really gets to me.

I was thinking about that today. I am in a new environment and I am trying so hard to make friends with co-workers, neighbors, etc. but I just feel like I can't break into the social circles, and it is really tough. Of course I have friends, and I love them all and they are totally great and their friendships are enough, for now, just not when they all move away, as they will. I am trying to prepare for this next transition, and I feel so overwhelmed, and a little alone.

When I was a child I was the biggest social butterfly, I had no inhibitions, I wanted to be friends with everyone and so I befriended everyone I could- I was outgoing, bubbly and completely myself. I know we all change as we get older, but sometimes I wish I could bring out these traits that were so natural to me as a child. I wouldn't say I am not friendly, but I definitely have a harder time putting myself out there than I used to.

I think my job is making this difficult for me, because you have to be so careful of what you do and say, and me being such an open and honest person, I sometime say or do things that while appropriate in the real world, aren't appropriate at Avalon, and I get talked to a lot about my inappropriate behaviors at work. I know it is just business and you shouldn't take it personally, but I do, I get easily hurt, that is just the way it is. I guess this all stems from feeling like I am never going to be a good enough employee, which really gets to me because I have always been a super hard worker and gotten praise at all my previous jobs. I take pride in my work ethic and my ability to learn new skills quickly, but I guess Avalon is an exception.

When I come home from work feeling absolutely awful, like I do today, I try to keep it all in perspective, and of course I use this same mentality with any other thing that brings me down. I remember all the people in my life who I know care about and love me. I think about whether or not the thing bothering me is really that big of a deal, which it usually isn't. I remind myself that what is happening is only temporary, and I am not stuck in the situation. It helps, most of the time.

When life gets really bad or sad, I always remind myself that this life is also temporary, and is a freckle on the timeline we live eternally. I know this life is just a stepping stone to an even better one, and that in the end everything will be fine, and as long as I am trying my best, that is all I can do. All the Lord asks of me is that I am trying harder every day to become the best me I can be.

Keeping it in perspective is somewhat easy, but waiting for a time when I can stop worrying about the things I do, who likes me, etc. isn't so easy.

Sermon on Loving Yourself

This month has been pretty crazy, getting settled in for a few months at my in-laws home while they are in England and getting all trained for my new jobs. Things are going pretty well, Scott is tackling his schoolwork fairly well, he has a pretty tough semester, but he is so smart, and he will do just fine. He is very diligent with his studies, for the most part. Living with my two brothers-in-law is a little detrimental to his study focus (Can you say Starcraft much?) but he does pretty well all things considered, and I am happy he gets to spend so much time with them. I have so many things I could catch you all up on, but I want to get on to the heart of this post:

My job is going great, I can't say too much because it is pretty confidential and I want to respect that to the extreme, but what I can tell you, is that it is totally amazing and completely, heart-breakingly draining at the same time. I am working with girls with eating disorders, and I never fully understood what an awful disease anorexia nervosa was. Bulimia is obviously just as bad, but right now the majority of girls have the former disorder, and being surrounded by it daily makes me feel so grateful for my healthy body image and mind set. I truly, and honestly believe that being a member of the church has completely helped me develop a loving and self-respecting attitude toward my body, and I wish that I could share that knowledge and understanding with the young women I work with, but I cannot cross any moral boundaries and have to remain professional. So instead of sharing it with the girls I know need this the most, I will share it on here in the hopes that perhaps it will help someone else understand how wonderful they are, and how beautiful and special their body is.

I know I am made in the image of a supreme and holy being, my heavenly father. I know that I am a daughter of God, and that while the world may see some of my physical traits as less than perfect, I know that in God's eyes I am flawless. The world wants to categorize everyone into specific genres, telling everyone that you have to be a cookie cutter woman to be worth anything, but I know differently. I know that originality and differences are the true treasures I possess, and I am happy to have my butt-crack nose. I love that my eyes are Brown, even though I would have been happy with Blue or Green too. While my lips will never compare to Angelina Jolie's, I am grateful that I will never have to spend so much time re-applying lipstick and balm. I appreciate my long torso and big boobs that make it nearly impossible to buy shirts that I like, and remind myself every time I go shopping that they don't make my size because I am simply too special. The point I am trying to make is that we need to learn to love the things that we like least about ourselves. All of the above are things that at some point I have wanted to change. What I now realize is that if I didn't have these traits, I wouldn't be me anymore, and I don't want to change myself. I am proud of who I am, and if I changed that the world would be short of Lindsay Marie Anderson Kirby.

It would be an absolute shame if we all looked the same, if we all had the same color of eyes, if we all had the same nose and lips and legs and butt. Concepts of beauty are ever changing and evolving. I love looking at 16th century art and pointing out that those women have flab and boobs and the occasional mustache, YET they were so beautiful for their time that they are forever immortalized in a piece of art that has been admired and appreciated for centuries. Embrace who you are, realize that you are made in God's image, that he designed you, he designed this world, and I promise you he took just as much care in creating you as he did this world. Think how perfectly this world fits together, all the beauty in nature. God was careful, he made no mistakes, everything was thought out carefully. Would he do any less for the children he loves, for the children he sent his beloved son to die for? The answer is NO! God makes no mistakes, and he has made you the way you are, perfect and flawless. The only thing that is flawed is the perception the world has on what you need to be or look like.

A bishop once told me every time I looked in the mirror and felt bad about myself it was just Satan telling me that I wasn't good enough because he was jealous, jealous that he would never, ever, be able to have what I have- a body. My bishop told me at that moment of insecurity I needed to look myself right in the face and say, "I am beautiful, I have a body, a precious gift."

I am so grateful that I have healthy body image, because I have seen what can happen if you don't. There are times at my job I have to choke back tears because of the tremendous feelings of compassion I feel for these lost little girls. The simplest daily routine can be so overwhelming for them, and it has completely impacted their entire lives. Instead of being normal teenage girls going to dances, cheerleading, getting ready to leave for college, they are at the Avalon Hills facility.

I encourage you to check out the website: http://www.avalonhills.org/

The program is absolutely fantastic, and I am so proud to be a team member of an outstanding facility that is helping young women have a chance to be happy and to change the course they are currently on.

I know this post was a little bit deep, but I really felt like I needed to say these things, and I would love to hear your comments on the subject.

Perpetual Catch-up

I always seem to be the biggest slacker when it comes to actually sitting down and writing to cyber-space. I am a tad better when it comes to writing in my journal, but not by much.

Scott and I are back in Logan, and should be here for another 2 years or so, depending on what Scott decides to do for his masters program. We are currently living with my In-Laws, because they are going to Europe for a few weeks, and we are going to fill in as cook, maid, and part-time babysitters. The last part not so much, but we are in charge of making sure Grandpa Murray, who lives next door, takes his pills and has food to eat. It is nice to have the free rent, but I am also finding myself a tad anxious to get our own space again. This Summer with my family was fantastic, and it was great for them to get to know Scott better and vice-versa, but it was just the right amount of time, and we were definitely ready to move out when the end of Summer came. Scott missed his family, and while I love my family dearly, I love having my own space. So, we have about 8 or so weeks living here while Mom and Dad K. are gone, and then we will hopefully be moving into a nice upgrade from our last apartment. I check KSL religiously, even though I know I will not be able to put down a deposit on anything for a month or two, but I just like knowing what the general outlay of the apartment world looks like right now.

I have been given a wonderful opportunity by a close family friend to help her with her accounting business and it has been such a blessing. She is so flexible, the work is from home, and it is something that, if all goes well, I could do for many years to help fill in the gaps of our expensive perpetual student lifestyles. I have also been looking for a full time job, putting in applications everywhere I can, and finally got a call back from Avalon Hills, a eating disorder treatment center here in the valley. This was the first job I applied for back in August, and I had totally given up hope they were going to contact me, but they did, and I have my interview today. I am really excited by the prospect, and I seriously hope that I can get the job. The pay isn't glamorous, but I think it would be a really worthwhile opportunity, and something I could really poor my heart into. I like the idea of enjoying my work, and not just doing something begrudgingly, selling my soul for another 2 or 3 bucks on hour.

Scott and I are doing really well. We have been trying to be more conscious about spending time with each other, going on dates, and all out just remembering to still court each other. It seems to have helped the last few weeks, to remember how much fun we can have together, and that life doesn't have to be so stuffy and productive all the time. He has been planning some really fun dates, and says he has a really great one planned for later this week, so I will let you know about how that goes later on.

Oh before I go, I really should give a little update on the cruise we took with my family. We had so so much fun, and we were able to spend some really great moments with each other. We ate fantastic food, got to do an amazing adventure excursion with lots of zip lines and repelling, and we saw some great shows on the ship. We played games and cards, relaxed and really just had the best time as a family. I am so grateful my parents were able to do this for us, and I love them so much, it will be a trip we will remember and reflect on for a long time to come.