So, do you all ever just feel sometimes that no matter what you do you aren't ever going to make the cut with some people? I have this compulsive need to be liked, we all do, but there are times when I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how nice I am, I just can't win people over, and it really gets to me.
I was thinking about that today. I am in a new environment and I am trying so hard to make friends with co-workers, neighbors, etc. but I just feel like I can't break into the social circles, and it is really tough. Of course I have friends, and I love them all and they are totally great and their friendships are enough, for now, just not when they all move away, as they will. I am trying to prepare for this next transition, and I feel so overwhelmed, and a little alone.
When I was a child I was the biggest social butterfly, I had no inhibitions, I wanted to be friends with everyone and so I befriended everyone I could- I was outgoing, bubbly and completely myself. I know we all change as we get older, but sometimes I wish I could bring out these traits that were so natural to me as a child. I wouldn't say I am not friendly, but I definitely have a harder time putting myself out there than I used to.
I think my job is making this difficult for me, because you have to be so careful of what you do and say, and me being such an open and honest person, I sometime say or do things that while appropriate in the real world, aren't appropriate at Avalon, and I get talked to a lot about my inappropriate behaviors at work. I know it is just business and you shouldn't take it personally, but I do, I get easily hurt, that is just the way it is. I guess this all stems from feeling like I am never going to be a good enough employee, which really gets to me because I have always been a super hard worker and gotten praise at all my previous jobs. I take pride in my work ethic and my ability to learn new skills quickly, but I guess Avalon is an exception.
When I come home from work feeling absolutely awful, like I do today, I try to keep it all in perspective, and of course I use this same mentality with any other thing that brings me down. I remember all the people in my life who I know care about and love me. I think about whether or not the thing bothering me is really that big of a deal, which it usually isn't. I remind myself that what is happening is only temporary, and I am not stuck in the situation. It helps, most of the time.
When life gets really bad or sad, I always remind myself that this life is also temporary, and is a freckle on the timeline we live eternally. I know this life is just a stepping stone to an even better one, and that in the end everything will be fine, and as long as I am trying my best, that is all I can do. All the Lord asks of me is that I am trying harder every day to become the best me I can be.
Keeping it in perspective is somewhat easy, but waiting for a time when I can stop worrying about the things I do, who likes me, etc. isn't so easy.
7 years ago
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2 comments:
Lindsay, I know exactly what you mean! I often find it so hard to break through social barriers..like I can talk to and get along with people just fine, but there's that gap between that and true friendship that is so hard to leap over. It's weird living in Salt Lake when so many of my closest friends are in Logan still. I get lonely too sometimes and I miss having friends with that deep, close connection with close by. If it is any consolation..I like you!
We are so alike/think so much the same sometimes it scares me. Life is such a rollercoaster of emotions and so hard when you're trying to please so many people, but I think it's really good you can talk openly about these things. I think it helps a lot to release those feelings, even to the abyss of cyberspace. You're a babe and there ARE so many people that love you for who you are. Don't let your job get to you (where you can) and know that we're prayin' and routin' for ya :)
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